■November 29, 2007 - The meaning of life

[Mood:In thought] Sometimes during my lunch break I go to my car to lay down. My job is terribly boring and mentally and physically exhausting, so a chance to lay down and relax helps me get through the day. I like to park under a tree. While laying down I stare at it. I think to myself:

"Man, this tree has it made. It doesn't have to work. The sun and rain give it free food and energy. It's regularly treated with a nice breeze. It gets to show off its beauty to everyone. It gets to watch over us and see everything that's happening around. No one bothers it. It's only goal is to grow. That's a nice life."

I like to think of a tree as a path to someone's life. Everything is connected, after all. A tree starts off with a single trunk and spans off into many different branches. Each branch can represent a different choice in life, as it spans off into more branches representing different choices from the previous choice. Each path ultimately ends up as a leaf, symbolizing that life ends with peace and serenity.

I wish I could do more to capture life, and share it with others to make a difference. I started my website to capture my passion for games and anime and share it with the world. When I go out I often capture the experience with the many photos I take. In my blogs I capture my own life. In my art I capture what life means tome. But, sometimes it's not enough. I want to do more. My ultimate goal is to create something that shows the world all the beauty of life. Something that shows what makes who we are. Something that expresses the pain that has made us stronger. Something that expresses the happiness we appreciate and the happiness we overlook. And I hope that this thing I create will, at least for a moment, make peoples' lives easier to live.

Feh, I could use some of that now. My problems still get to me. Right now my worst problem is my awful job. On Monday I felt so bad having to come in to work after such a great 4-day weekend that my chest hurt as if someone hurt my feelings.

Regardless, I still remain hopeful and appreciate other things in life that I'm happy for. I like to view the meaning of life as whatever we make of it. I try to bring a refreshing perspective to those who are bitter over misfortune.

■November 6, 2007 - I really really hate my job

[Mood:Pissy] I'm in one of those "sick of my job" moods. Right now I'm just... ugh, I have absolutely no stimulation to work. A lot of the time the job is very slow and my supervisor has me on standby for work. And then when she finally gives me work, it's bullshit work. Right now she assigned me the task of updating all of the company's org charts. This is the worst, most tedious task of this job. I'm given the updated org charts in the form of PowerPoint presentations. I then need to compare them with Flash versions of the presentations. These Flash versions are large and sloppily prepared in older versions of Flash. Many of the things that need to be changed are nested within like 3-5 objects. Again, it is very tedious, and it takes a whole week to finish.

Now, some of you might be saying "Silly Alex, no job is perfect and they all have their drawbacks". That may be so, but I am a web designer with a BFA. It's insulting to be doing bullshit work like this that a secretary can do. And it's not just this project, around 90% of my work is strictly maintenance and involves no designing whatsoever. It's very suffocating and unstimulating for an artistic designer to be under such circumstances. Combine that with the fact that I've wanted to leave this job since day 1, yet I've stayed here for almost a year. On the 7th month (July) I couldn't tolerate it anymore, and have since spent the past 4 months look for a better job. I've gone to around 10-15 job interviews, half of which were staffing agencies. Potential employers have refused me because they don't want to pay me a higher salary than what I'm making now. Another reason is because I don't have a very strong portfolio. The reason why is because in web design job #1 we worked with templates and barely designed original work. And in web design job #2 (current job) I'm barely designing at all. The market is tough for web designers, as I've preached many times in this blog. But I'm still trying!

Another reason why my job search is taking longer than usual is because I'm more picky this time. I accepted my current job because I was desperate and went looking for ANY web design job. And I thought "Wow! A corporate job!", putting together this whole fantasy scenario of how great I thought this job would be. But now I know better. I know what questions to ask to ensure I'm entering a job I will like. I have a job interview on Friday for Citrix. I don't necessarily want to, but I understand that if I'm to get a job that pays more, I need to move on to another corporate job. Pushing aside my corporate pessimism, this Citrix job actually sounds pretty good. It seems as though most of the work I'm doing will be designing logos and interfaces. They said I would be an inbetweener of some sort, between the beginner designers and senior designers. To my surprise, they really like it that I currently work for a major corporation, since they're a major corporation themselves. It seems promising. And last week I couldn't interview because most of the staff was away in Las Vegas for training! Holy bajeesus - training in Vegas!! But the thing that appealed to me the most was the fact I would be working with HUMANS again. Jeez, I'm so sick of working alone and using MS Outlook as my only means of communicating with others. Anyway, wish me luck!

■October 10, 2007 - Work update, & more on insecurities

[Mood:Anxious] Well I'm bored out of my mind at work right now. The past several weeks my supervisor has barely given me any work. My job search is going slowly but surely. Every now and then I get a lead. My supervisor indirectly let me know that I've been taking too much time off (for job interviews, which she doesn't know). That in addition to a recent situation I had with a staffing agency convinced me that I should be a bit more choosy with the job leads I decide to pursue. I decided that the job I want is one with variety. Every day I want a new project. I want to be able to build up my portfolio. My above average abilities are my blessing and my curse. They allowed me to be ahead of my competition and jump into a mid-level corporate job. But by doing so, I never worked in a low-paying design job that would've massively built up my portfolio and strengthen my design talent by working with an experienced designer. I've barely worked with an experienced designer. :( Bah. What sucks is that even my current job hinders my job search. One of the staffing agencies asked me for a more detailed description of what I do at my current job. I had to tell him what I already provided him was everything I do. I guess the working solo thing was a turn off for him. Ugh, I hate it. What potential employers want in a designer contradicts what designers actually do.

Two topics of human nature have been of interest to me lately. The first one is the one I already brought up in my previous blog: childhood insecurities. I've found that most people tend to indirectly reveal their childhood insecurities in first conversations. Isn't that ironic? How people express their most intimate secrets and insecurities so easily without realizing it. Although it makes sense when I think about it. Indirectly revealing intimate insecurities is the quickest and most efficient way to find out if someone can be trusted as a friend.

The second topic of interest is a certain emotional reaction. I've found that when most people encounter an emotionally painful situation, they tend to think no one is on their side, even their best friend. That's one of the reasons why people feel the need to vent when they're troubled - they need their friends to remind them that they care. So when you know someone who's going through a tough time, a quick phone call will mean the world to them. Depending on the personality of the given emotionally hurt person, if you don't let them know you care they may put together this false side to you and believe you're a jerk. This further supports my claim that the most torturous human emotion is the feeling of not knowing.

■October 2, 2007 - Our goal in life

[Mood:Invigorated] WOW. I'm totally amazed by an idea my friend brought up. But before I talk about it, first I want to introduce this blog with something related. The cool co-worker from my previous job, Zack, once brought up an interesting fact about short-tempered people. He grew up with a short-tempered father and learned how to deal with such behavior. Sometimes I would complain to him about our insane short-tempered employer. He would tell me to just look past the anger. He said the key to figuring out a short-tempered person is to simplify what they're yelling about to find out the real reason why they're yelling, so that we know how to deal with them and quell the anger.

So the subject of today's blog is a concept my good friend Jody brought up. It's genius. He found an even deeper cause of social situations, even stronger than my previous concept about social situations being caused by a conflict of common sense. His concept is that we're a product of ourselves from 12-15 years old. The personification of our insecurities take the form of our younger selves from the time when our emotional stability was its weakest. It makes perfect sense. I mean, think about it. Whenever we feel blue, it's the image of ourselves that we see when we look in the mirror.

Based off of that concept, I can deduce that our maturity comes from our mission to conquer the haunting ghost of our younger selves. As adults we get pretty good at hiding these insecurities. However it is impossible to completely hide them. Our childhood insecurities are almost guaranteed to come out when we experience love. Whether it's a dedicated relationship or a short-term sexual relationship, those demons of insecurity indeed eventually come out. To give love or be sexual we lower our barriers, and that's when it unveils the curtain revealing our childhood insecurities. Here's a question for you: In a love-related situation, has anyone done something that was just totally weird? If you were to talk about the situation to 10 different people, they would all say "Huh? Why did that person do that? That's a weird thing to do; it doesn't make any sense." - aahhh hah, well that means childhood insecurities have taken place! Our childhood insecurities cause us to act outside of our character and make strange decisions. This is why I'm more forgiving of people with the decisions they make during a relationship. I understand a relationship makes someone act differently, and the childhood insecurities are exactly why.

What kind of kid were you? The fat one? The ugly one? The trouble-maker? I'm not ashamed to say mine. I was the weird kid who was teased, who no one wanted to be friends with. My artistic nature granted me the strength to not be afraid to be different at such an early age, but such a thing also condemned me and built the foundation of my insecurities that I would have to deal with the rest of my life. Fortunately, I can say with confidence that those insecurities are mostly conquered. If you've read my previous blogs, how I conquered them should be obvious. I just treat mistakes I've made like gold, as valuable experience I can learn a great deal from. I'm not ashamed they happened and I don't regret them, especially since I take great care in my attempt to prevent mistakes from happening again. In other words, I'm proud of everything that makes up who I am. I believe that is the key to resolve childhood insecurities.

Oh hey, you know what? My parents know about this already. I just remembered whenever I meet a new guy (which isn't very often) and I tell my parents about him, they always ask "What was his childhood like?" It's very true that someone's childhood is a reflection of one's character. I've gathered enough evidence to state this as a fact: Everyone who's weird (in a bad way) and excessively dramatic has had a traumatic time growing up.

To sum things up, our goal in life is to conquer our insecurities. As humans it is impossible to completely demolish them, but if we learn from our mistakes we will be the ones in control, not our insecurities.

■September 13, 2007 - Mind games & drama

[Mood:Inquisitive] Today's subject is mind games. Ah, mind games, the act of playing a game with someone; a means of deception for getting one's way. We all understand mind games to be defined that way. But the problem comes in with determining when a mind game is actually taking place. Evidence suggests everyone has their own unique set of guidelines to determine when a mind game has occurred. Some people have flexible guidelines, while others don't. Some people are so obsessed and paranoid with mind games that they turn into the boy who cried wolf, calling out almost every negative behavior as a mind game. The phrase 'mind games' is overused and too controversial to use as spiteful justification for the actions of others. I just don't agree with it. My ex used it all the time with me. It was as if everything I did was a mind game. It was just paranoid ramblings - I never try to trick people into following my will. People who call out 'mind games' on a regular basis are insecure and think the world is plotting against them. (That girl to the right is Megan from Sega CD's Night Trap; a very dramatic 80's girl.)

Throughout the year I've collected enough evidence to state the following as a FACT: The most dramatic people are the ones who advertise that they are not dramatic. Not just drama, it also means anything else in general. Anything negative that someone passionately tells everyone that they're against it, it just means deep down they like it. For example, homophobic people. The ones that take up every opportunity to enthusiastically bash gays are gay or bisexual themselves.

■September 10, 2007 - The happy blog

[Mood:Content] The majority of my entries are rather serious. I think it's time for a happy blog. Let's see... things to be happy for... hrm. Well there's the usual stuff to be happy for that I'm happy for. I'm happy I have a loving family with parents who aren't divorced. I'm happy for having a roof over my head and three meals a day.

I have a lot to be happy for professional-wise. I got my bachelor's degree and I graduated with honors, something most competing designers don't have. Throughout college I was praised as the best or one of the best in all of my classes. I surprised myself by proving I excel in every area of design: graphic design, web design, animation, illustration, 3D and video. With my above average abilities I was able to immediately jump into corporate jobs, making a salary that's higher than what most beginning designers make.

I especially have a lot to be happy for with my fantasyanime.com. I've spread the happiness that games and anime have given me to thousands of people across the world. Many of which weren't even interested in games or anime until they came to my site. My decision to design it heavy with eye candy instead 'professionally' made it attractive and fun to browse. I'm happy that my site has played a major role in popularizing fan translated RPGs; most of my shrines come up easily on Google. I'm also proud that I've kept my site free and free of ads (except that one ad on the home page).

I'm happy for my persistence for happiness. Everyone looks for happiness in their own way. I want to better understand the world I live in, so I seek happiness through analysis. Whether it's with my career, my hobbies or human nature in general. I just want to make sure I make the right decisions. I also want the people around me to be happy. When I make a mistake I don't want it to happen again. I'm passionate in my effort to learn from them.

Recent evidence suggests I give good advice. All that analyzing I do of social situations has paid off. I surprised myself by how much I had to say on the subject to several of my online friends. My thoughts poured out like water, as if I was recalling a memorized speech. I basically told one of the friends "In any situation, friends come first. And it's important to respect the trust and privacy of friends." And to another "That's the path your friend has chosen, and he is likely to continue doing it. As his friend he wants to trust you with this lifestyle."

Recent evidence suggests I'm a good judge of character. What I've done to study people has paid off. That guy Ovi I talked about from way back yonder, he came back into my life recently. Things didn't quite work out and we went our separate ways. But the events that took place proved that Ovi's a really good guy with a big heart. He seemed to be a good judge of my character, and acted to prevent hurting me at every opportunity.

■August 31, 2007 - Silly Women: Part 2

[Mood:Amused] Continued from 2/27, more famous quotes from Lisa, the awesome black lady who sits in back of me.

"Giiirl, I'm just refresherin your memory."
"It sound like she got a retarded problem."
(Picks up phone) "Ooh Lord take the static out of my ears."
(Picks up phone and sings) "Peanut butter jelly! Hello!"
"Ooh Lord I don't know what kind of zodiac sign that is there."
"These voice mail things get on my nerve."
"Girl, just sit back, watch TV and relax your nerve."
"I wanna go see me some fine mens."
"Ooh Lord I'd drop dead for a piece of chicken."
"At the sound of the tone, you are on your own."
"I forget what I'm going to tell her. My brain is gone."
"Giirl, I need to slap a perm in my hair real quick."
"Oh!! You scared me there with all that hair!"
"If I had a son like that I'd throw his ass out the window."
"Chinese people made that so be careful with it."
(Someone sneezed) "Oh bless ya, honey!"
"Wal-mart doesn't do layaway anymore!"
"Who got a gun?"
"I like to go to Knee-man Marcus, or whoever the fuck he is"
"My momma went to school. All I know is that she ate at the cafeteria."

■August 28, 2007 - Forced ideas

[Mood:Impatient] I used to consider myself the kind of person who'd open up to anyone. Recent events proved otherwise and brought to my attention the behavior/reaction I need from someone whom I'd consider a close friend. I've found that I'm friends with my current friends because when I tell them about something personal I feel better afterwards. And when I make a mistake they react as if I've already been forgiven.

What doesn't work out for me is an argument based relationship. Like with my ex, ugh. I'm sure at one point you've come across a couple or friendship where they argue all the time, yet they remain happy with each other. That so doesn't work out for me. Challenging my friend's point of view isn't a method that makes me feel better when I'm troubled. It especially doesn't make me feel better about myself. I don't get a high out of forcing my ideas on people.

I consider myself a nice person. Most people do, right? What makes kindness complicated is that everyone has their own definition of it. Just like what I've been talking about in previous entries about everyone having their own definition of common sense. We all know nice people need to be careful or else people will take advantage of them. But what about the polar opposite of that idea? The more nice someone is, the more susceptible they are to the evil that compels people to force their ideas on others. When someone is such a 'nice' person that they want everyone around them to be happy using THEIR methods and ideas. This idea is related to what I talked about in the above paragraph with people into argument based relationships. They love their partner so much that they want their advice to be taken - whether their partner wants it or not. It is very easy to fall victim to this evil. I try my best to keep it in check, and I think I do a pretty good job.

Here's an example of this idea. Every now and then I might catch myself pushing a program on people. Like before I used to say "Why are you using Fireworks? You should be using Photoshop!" Because I knew people would be happier using Photoshop. In the past I didn't understand why people used Fireworks (FYI, Fireworks is a less popular image editor). Through my perception of the world I believed Photoshop was supreme and no one should use anything else. But then I matured more and my mind opened up. One day I gave Fireworks a try and found it wasn't too shabby. Anyway, the point I'm trying to reach is that a good way to prevent falling victim to the evil of forcing ideas on others is to keep an open mind.

Now if only real life was that easy. Try applying this idea to social situations. Do you know anyone who holds onto their ideas so strongly that they will take their point of view to their grave? It's easy to say that about people who are cocky. Cocky people force their ideas on people like there's no tomorrow! Cocky people still have friends and lovers so that's proof there are people who don't mind having ideas pushed on them.

Wrapping things up, just, the whole argument method of resolving stress and resolving situations doesn't work out for me because I'm not interested in forcing my ideas on people, or vice versa. Because I believe the best path people should take is the one they decide.

■August 20, 2007 - Complications of love

[Mood:Enlightened] In previous entries I explained how the source of every social situation is a conflict of common sense: what one person views as acceptable behavior, the next person feels the opposite. And as an example to that idea I explained how the situations I've accidentally caused was because I was treating people how I wanted to be treated.

I was putting further thought into how the situations started (because, ya know, I like to think) and realized they all have something in common: love. Furthermore, I found out my 'problem' by asking myself what's the big difference between my friends and I. Ah, well all my friends have had several long-lasting dedicated relationships since their youth, and I haven't. That's all there is to it; that's the source of all the commotion. I just haven't learned the lessons that my friends have learned through mistakes they made in their relationships. They learned what to say and not what to say in order to prevent pissing off their partner. And they've had all sorts of those meaningless arguments based on those personal insecure issues that only lovers share. So, since I've never had a dedicated relationship and a lover to be careful not to piss off, I'm obtaining that experience by pissing off my friends instead, lol.

But what makes preventing love-related situations so complicated is that there's never a sure-kill way to guarantee not hurting someone. Everyone has their insecurities in different areas and the trick is to find them. At least, when I've made a mistake and got a friend upset, the situation gives me a great deal of insight on their insecurities. Lately I've also found out that love-related insecurities walk hand in hand with pride. In previous journal entries I've talked a lot about pride. Ya know, that one thing someone is proud of about themself. With one friend of mine, I figured out that the source of our problem was due to me challenging his pride. This was happening (by accident, of course) because we approach problems in a completely different manner. But once I found where his pride is, I've been successful in walking around it and it has helped a great deal in preventing further situations. The last thing I want to do is challenge a friend's pride and make them feel threatened.

■August 10, 2007 - New art

[Mood:Festive] I have some new art! And it's really cool stuff, too.

• New 3D art - The past months I've created 3 new 3D models in Maya: "Cauldron", "Floating Island" and "Wishing Pool". Nifty stuff, eh? I felt the need to reflect on my recent works, so at the very top I inserted a reflection on my progress in learning Maya so far. Included in the reflection in the movie clip I said I was making in my previous entry. I animated a camera through most of my 3D models that I've made so far in Maya. I added this movie clip to my portfolio site in hope that it will impress potential employers.

• New Illustrator art - I've added "Cruiser" and "All-seeing Eye". I'm getting better, eh? Practice makes perfect. I keep on forgetting Illustrator has a lens flare feature; I used it in "Cruiser".

As for life, well, I suppose things are going okay. I'm still searching for a new job. Judging from past experience, it could very well take me 2-5 months to find a new job. The bills need to be paid so I must stay at my current job and continue to endure its torture and chaos. One of the things that convinced me to find a new job is when I realized that sometimes this job had made me question my integrity. Now that's bad.

Oh, lol, yesterday there was a computer-based quality survey at my job. You know I love 'dem surveys. I didn't even have to think. To such questions as "Are you happy with your job?", in a blink my mouse arrow drew to "No", like two magnets snapping together. Or in the last question "Where does your department need improvement?", my mouse arrow instantly snapped to "Communication". As usual, all the negative energy I poured into the survey made it soak in blood and cause satanic hexagrams to appear all over it. Plus I was laughing cynically as I filled it out.

■August 1, 2007 - Insufficient work processes

[Mood:Annoyed] Oh my god, I'm so over this job. As I've pointed out before, my supervisor never gives me direction and nor gives me critiques. This week I am to make a logo. I sent her 8 logo drafts, which I thought were great; very professional and corporate. She replied with this:

"I would like to see more original design work. Logos take a lot more time to develop since its pretty much coming up with a brand identity. I would like to see a logo that stands out and depicts the concept helping others through technology. See what you can come up with..."

Which translates to:

"Those logos look copied. You don't seem very experienced in the logo process either, so I need to let you know that developing a logo is a continual process. Do it over and this time try to make a logo that depicts helping others."

I replied asking her if she wants me to create a decorative-type logo like the other designer (who lives in another state) made. She replied with this:

"I would like you to come up with your own ideas/concepts...it doesn't have to be like Shawn's."

Which translates to:

"Don't copy Shawn."

(sighs) That doesn't answer my question. I'm so over this job that I gave up after that. This is -not- how logos are made. In a normal design environment, the supervisor will critique the logos. They will choose the drafts they liked and give suggestions. For example, they might say: "I like the second and fourth logo. Play with them and try to incorporate a theme of helping others." - because time is money. It wastes time to always trash all the drafts, telling the designer to come up with complete new ones. The critique process is important for the development of the designer and so that the designer and supervisor will further understand how each other thinks.

Because my supervisor likes to do this "no critique/ deny all drafts until one looks good" process, I STILL don't understand the type of work she wants after being here 7 months. And my development as a designer is left severely out of practice. In other words, I'm saying this job is so lacking in design that it has put my experience in the negatives, giving me -7 months experience.

In lighter news, I have an interview with another staffing agency today. He says he has two contract-to-hire jobs for me. I'm so going for it. It's time to leave this destructive job.

As for the Agencynet job I talked about in my previous entry, I didn't get it. They never replied but I have an acquaintance that works there. He explained to me that right now they're only hiring people who are better than the ones already there. Yikes, I can't surpass designers at the top of the ladder just yet. As for Career Builder and Monster, I've applied to around 40 jobs so far. I'm confident I'll eventually find something.

■July 23, 2007 - Destiny of a dryad

A dryad is a living, walking tree. It is known as an elemental spirit of Mana, the power of nature and life. A dryad is born when a human acts upon and fulfills a dream. The destiny of a dryad is to seek out those in need and assist them in fulfilling their dream. They are to do this without being seen or noticed by humans. But before attempting to assist humans, a dryad must first mature and prove themselves as worthy vessels of Mana.

This story is about a dryad named Magi. She was born from a human who built a home for his family, a father who yearned for a place to call home. This was an early birth for Magi, as this human was young, because it is mostly older humans who manage to fulfill their dream. As time went by, Magi was quick to mature. But Magi had a problem. She was unable to prove herself as a worthy vessel of Mana. For a dryad to do so, they must prove to Martha, the goddess of the earth, that they understand her will to love and appreciate life. Magi does love and appreciate life, but she does not know how to express it. She has tried time and time again.

Magi feels like an outcast from the other dryads. They have all proved themselves to Martha and been bestowed upon the powers of Mana. Out of desperation to find purpose in her life, Magi sought to come back to the human whom she was born. When she was with him she felt she was home. Magi learned she didn't care much to fulfill her destiny. She just wanted to observe her human of birth and experience the love for his family. Other dryads who learned of Magi's abnormal desire did not understand it. Dryads do not feel anger, hatred, or any other sort of negative feeling. But if dryads were human, they would surely hate and condemn Magi for defying her destiny. Some dryads tried to help Magi express her love to Martha properly, but to no avail.

Although Magi was happy being with her human of birth, deep down she felt it didn't feel right to do so. As a last resort she went to Luna, the oldest and wisest dryad, for guidance. To Magi's surprise, Luna understood her. Luna felt nothing Magi did was wrong or in defiance of Martha. In fact, Luna praised Magi for following her heart. Luna explained how dryads shouldn't become a slave to their destiny and Martha's will, because their own happiness is important as well. Luna told Magi the answer she seeks will come in time, and it will come as long as Magi continues to follow her heart.

■July 23, 2007 - Fed up with work

[Mood:Pissed] I'm officially fed up with my job. I've tolerated it for over 6 months now - it's time to leave. I can conclude my whole experience at this job by saying I felt like I've been punished. Around 90% of the work is secretarial: updating files, changing dates, etc. No more. I'm tired of sitting in this damn cubicle with no human contact. I'm tired of dealing with a supervisor who only talks through e-mail, even though her office is just around the corner. My design skills and people skills are declining due to lack of practice. I need challenge. I need stimulation. I need HUMAN CONTACT for crying out loud. It's gotten to the point where this job is traumatizing me, and that's no joke. I've updated my resume and begun the tedious search of finding a new job. I'm checking CareerBuilder and Monster every day. I've applied to around 20 jobs so far. I'm eager, man. There's hope for me because already a good company called me back this morning. Unfortunately the place was like at the bottom of I-95 (that's a 2-hour drive for me) and I had to decline.

So far there's just one place I've followed up on with a phone call. It's an ad agency, Agencynet, and its only 30 min away. I got the secretary and she said she would forward him my message. For a lot of designers, working for a big-time ad agency is their dream. The work is highly creative and they pay very well. I'd like to give it a try so I'm persisting with this place. I just hope my mere 1 year of experience and portfolio can stand up to what they're looking for. I kind of have a friend who works there and I'm trying to get him to refer me. I messaged him on AOL during the day and he didn't respond. Maybe he was busy; I'm going to try again in the evening.

I'm also compiling a short movie displaying all of the 3D scenes I've created in Maya. It has taken almost two weeks to render. When I finish I'm going to add it to my portfolio site. What annoys me about my current job is that the work has been so simple and dull that there isn't anything worth putting into my portfolio. It's bad enough that I didn't get much original work from my previous job either because we mostly worked from pre-made designs. There are several factors against me in my job search. I hope Agencynet understands the kind of dull work other companies expect; it prevents potential employees from showing them the highly creative designs they're expecting to see in their portfolio. (sighs) The graphic and web design samples in my portfolio are good but still rather generic. I do have my art in it as well to show employers I really am a creative artistic person.

It's been a terrible week. The worst week I've had at this job. I have no doubt, it's time to move on to something different. I'm so tense and overwhelmed by everything. I just want to go home and relax, and perform dire updates to my portfolio site. I sort of rushed into the job search without properly updating my portfolio site first. I mean, it was good, but it could be better. Competition is tough and I need to show employers my best stuff. One top of all this, two personal issues have surfaced and contributing to the stress.

■July 12, 2007 - Acceptance of absense

[Mood:Annoyed] Is it so wrong to have this mentality? I don't consider someone an asshole if they choose to spend time with someone else or have sex with someone else. For example, if a friend declines my invitation to hang out. Or if a friend gets a sexual partner and disappears. I would like for them to hang out with me more, but it would be wrong of me to force them to. How they choose to spend their time is their decision. I don't believe they're an asshole because of it. They're doing what makes them happy, and that's what is important to me. This mentality especially applies when sex is concerned. As humans we are easy to change our mind and get tired of someone and desire to have sex with others. I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure it'll suck for the person at the other end, but that's life. However, if someone refuses time with someone while opening up a can of drama at the same time, then they're an asshole.

I see it this way: I have two options. (1) Let it bother me, or (2) Get over it and move on.

Of course, I am still human and at times it'll take me a while to get over it, but eventually I do. Ever since January my ability to get over it and move on has considerably improved. It is thanks to the experiences I've encountered and lessons learned from mistakes. I am amazed by the healing power of the mind. Did you know the mind heals? I'm talking on an emotional level. The mind heals emotional pain just as your immune system heals your body. If you give your mind a chance it'll work its magic.

I wish people would communicate more. It irritates me when people reach quick conclusions without giving me a chance to defend myself. The most inefficient way to figure me out is to take me literally. It's because of my open-minded mentality. To think of me as a close-minded person by taking me literally will just lead you to a mountain of false conclusions about me. Not even just with me, reaching quick conclusions with anyone is a bad move. As the saying goes:

Assuming makes an ass out of you and me

■July 11, 2007 - Common sense = drama

[Mood:In thought] Why do co-workers like to joke about having a low self-esteem? For example, a co-worker just walked in on some people and said "I'm here, you can stop talking bad about me now. Hahaha." And the other day when I asked a lady when she was going to move to the renovated floor, she replied "I'm not moving till next week. You'll have to tolerate me a while longer - hahaha."

Anyway, common sense. Let's see... being the analytical person that I am, I like to analyze social situations and find the direct source of the problem. By understanding what caused everything is how I learn the most from the situation. I usually reach a simple conclusion such as "We just don't get along that well" or "She's just still spiteful for the breakup" or "That wasn't my child to begin with". But I found an even deeper cause. I've found that most social situations are a conflict of common sense. What one person views as perfectly normal behavior, the other views as intolerable. Everyone has their own unique interpretation of common sense.

This idea makes perfect sense when I apply it to the situations I've encountered ever since I obtained an active social life. Due to my inexperience and open-minded mentality, right now my idea of common sense is drastically different from everyone else's. My goal is to continue to learn and refine my common sense so that it reaches a 'normal' equilibrium. Every situation I've accidentally caused was the result of me treating others the way I want to be treated - acting upon my idea of common sense. I'm the type of person who isn't easily embarrassed, isn't easily bothered, and I open up to people easily. The problem comes from the fact that most people are not like that. So when I treat people like that a situation occurs. I end up saying things that shouldn't be said. As a result, I give people the impression that I have a big mouth. Even worse, when I'm dealing with people who are insecure (the opposite of my personality) they get the impression I have a hidden agenda.

It sucks to keep on accidentally starting situations just because I was being my normal happy self. The damage has been done and some of my friends elect not to tell me certain things. All I can do is apologize and promise it won't happen again. I'm learning as much as I can and refining my common sense to that equilibrium.

For example, recently I learned that most people are embarrassed by their drunken episodes. Before I thought everyone was okay with it. I don't understand why people still continue to drink if they don't want people to laugh at the silly things they did while drunk, but I accept that and will never speak of other peoples' drunken episodes. I was fortunate enough to learn this before I accidentally caused a situation with it.

All the other situations I accidentally caused revolved around sex. I learned that sex is a sensitive topic with most people and should be treated carefully. I learned:

• When I tell someone "no" it needs to be sugar-coated, because being completely honest is asking for trouble.
• Again, must sugar-coat answers to people when no longer interested in them. I really wanted to be the nice guy, but being honest makes me the asshole. For example, using phrases such as "I was considering you a piece of meat" or "It was the alcohol" are sorely misinterpreted and all hell is unleashed upon me. Now to be the nice guy I have to be fake and give the half truth. I don't like doing that but it must be done to avoid offending people.
• Sexual comments between a couple should never be mentioned or even hinted. And for the more extreme scenario when a couple breaks up (and also friends with both of them), only listen and avoid giving an opinion because once an opinion is given that officially means a side has been chosen.
• Sex with 3rd party friends should not be mentioned or even hinted to the 1st party friends, especially if the 3rd party friend is already in a relationship.
• Sexual pasts must be kept secret.

And I learned the common sense of dealing with people. I've found that there are generally three types of people in terms of how they need to be approached about a situation: very insecure (low), midway (medium), and obsessive (high).

• Very insecure people need to hear all the details of the situation or else they'll think I have a hidden agenda. The facts don't matter to them and should be avoided because they either won't understand it or it'll cause them to further get emotional.
• Midway people make up most of society. They need to hear a balanced explanation of the situation, with a moderate amount of details and facts. If I give them too many details or too many facts then they may question their trust in me.
• Obsessive people need to only hear the facts. If I bother to tell details then that gets me into trouble and they'll think I have a hidden agenda.

Most importantly, I've learned a lot of pleasant heart-warming things that I wasn't aware of with my previous idea of common sense. But to keep my blog dramatic I'm only going to mention the bad things, lol.

■June 14, 2007 - Birthday insight

[Mood:Enlightened] So it's been my birthday recently. It's been almost 7 months since I've obtained an active social life. Something I've been lacking for, oh, only half of my lifetime. And what did I decide to do? Why have a party, of course. :) I spent a little over $200 in alcohol and snacks/supplies. My friend Derrick supplied the meal - churrasco, potato salad, and plastic ware. All my friends were invited. Around 40 were invited and around 30 came. It was a good turn out. I had an awesome time. Also, it had its share of scandalous controversy. Lol. My parents were there at the beginning and met most of my friends. My middle brother, his girlfriend, his best friend and best friend's girlfriend also attended. They stayed for the most part. My middle brother's girlfriend especially had a good time and stayed the entire time.

In this time I've learned a great deal about people. Simple things, really. Things people already learned in high school, or even middle school. But given my unfortunate circumstances, I'm behind. To give you an idea of what I've learned, I'll give you a before and after in my mentality.

Stuff I used to believe about friends:
Those who you deem as friends are loyal. They will never betray you. You'll always have a good time with them. They're always there when you call them. It's easy to arrange an outing with them and they'll almost always say 'yes' to it. It doesn't matter to them who comes. At times you might get in an argument, but things always work out in the end. It's easy to become good friends with someone and it's easy to become just as good friends with your friend's friends. It's easy to decipher what you should and shouldn't say. Whatever advice you give to friends is always taken

Stuff I've learned about friends now:
Even your closest friend can betray you or talk behind your back. Sometimes you'll make friends with the wrong people. Sometimes your friends aren't in the mood to talk to you and will purposely not pick up the phone when you call. They have responsibilities and lovers, so organizing an outing isn't always easy. When a friend doesn't want to attend something, they usually won't reply. Your friend might have a click-based personality and will only attend an outing if certain people go. If 'person A' is attending an outing, then your friend may not want to attend because he/she has beef with them. Depending on the situation and circumstances, getting in an argument can ruin the friendship. A good friendship isn't possible with everyone. Just because you get along well with someone doesn't automatically mean you'll get along well with their other friends. People are different and are not always honest, so its difficult to decipher what you should and shouldn't say. Whatever advice you give to friends is not always taken.

Stuff I used to believe about a partner:
Love revolves around how well you get along with someone. The person you choose will be the right one. And once chosen, that person will like you and dating will ensue. The relationship will be magical and almost perfect. Sex is not a priority and doesn't happen quickly. Time is never wasted.

Stuff I've learned about a partner fuck buddy now:
Love is a difficult and complicated feeling. It'll take years of dating to reach it, or reach what you think might be love. Sex is priority #1; the only requirement for sex is getting along well with the person to some degree. Sex happens on the first or second outing. Yourself and/or the other person will get hurt in the end - and that is a guarantee. Time will be wasted, because things are not what they seem and not everyone you choose is a good person.

So, I've had to trash everything I've led myself to believe and re-learn everything. It's been difficult to handle the shock. Sometimes everyone else's vast experience overwhelms me and makes me depressed. At those moments I feel like giving up, going home and doing nothing. But then the advice of my friends rings in my head - "Keep on truckin!". Shit happens, but by giving up is when one loses, and I refuse to lose. To achieve happiness is to accept this reality, and I do accept it. It's just taking time. Little by little I'm adjusting and learning. In my private journal I have everything documented. Here's a run-down of what I've learned every month:

Month 1, December - I learned about all the feelings I was harboring all these years to keep myself happy. I realized it was a fake happiness, and that real happiness awaits now that I'm being true to myself.
Month 2, January - I conquered my social anxiety.
Month 3, February - I learned how to handle jealousy and envy.
Month 4, March - I learned how unrealistic a relationship is. I also learned how even good friends can turn around and suddenly be so cruel.
Month 5, April - I learned how to handle disappointment, with friends and potential love interests.
Month 6, May - I learned what I need to do in order to be happy. However, it was until next month that I understood it.

And also, each of my friends taught me something important:

Jody - He taught me a little bit of everything, setting the foundation for everything else I need to learn. He taught me to be careful with what I say. He taught me that age is a factor that shouldn't be given much weight, because in my eyes his age is no different than mine. The most important thing he did for me was open up the gate to being honest with myself.
Jason - He taught me how 'normal' people handle their feelings.
Rick - He taught me how to express myself.
Will - He taught me about the importance of image.
Mikey - He taught me that it's possible to be happy being a swinger and how easy it can be to move on.
Keith - He taught me that it's possible to be happy being patient.
Hektor - He taught me how important it is to treat everyone the same, that just because someone is 'under my league' doesn't mean I can assume it'll be easy to get in their pants.
Lester - She taught me how observant most people are.
Andres - He taught me the importance of being yourself.
Derrick - Little did I know when I first met him that he would become my role-model. He has shown me that he carries all of my qualities, yet he's still able to be happy in this cruel world. By his example he's made it easier for me to endure this new reality while remaining the same person.
Ire - I'm extremely lucky to have come across Ire. Ire has the ability to see things for how they really are. After listening to him for the past couple months I've known him, I'm beginning to see how much everyone lies to themself. Everyone. And what's worse is that I'm a shining example of it. It's like when I transitioned to CSS. It forced me to re-think how to design web pages. Now Ire's insight is forcing me to re-think how to approach social situations.

Yep, recently I've discovered how much I lie to myself. That's my problem. When I study this I realize it comes from my family. My family carries the values of Cuban respect, hospitality, and the importance of keeping the harmony of the household. All of my decisions revolve around being respectful and keeping the peace. With sexuality, being respectful means being careful with not imposing or crossing the line. It is this very mentality that has held me back. In order to keep myself happy all these years being socially inactive, I've gotten really good at lying to myself. It shocks me; it's almost scary. So, what do I mean by "lying to myself"? That entails keeping feelings to myself and sacrificing happiness in order to uphold my Cuban values. To make matters worse, I've been so loyal to these values that they've made me fear disappointment and confrontation. In these last couple months I've been severely contradicting myself. It's because more and more I'm being honest and true to myself, and by doing so I'm fighting a vicious battle with my Cuban values. One minute the values are pushed aside and I'm honest, and the next minute the values take hold and I deny what I previously said.

Fortunately, I am aware of this now when it hasn't been too long since I've started dating. Really, things are going well for me. As time goes by reality gets easier to endure. I'm still bound to make mistakes and experience difficult hardships, but I have experienced, caring friends to help me at every turn. When I think about it, "to do nothing" is the best advice that can be given to me for everything that has happened and will happen to me. That is, to do nothing different than what I'm doing now. Since December I've been following my heart and making the right decisions. My mistakes and hardships have only further pushed me down the road to happiness.

Above all, I'm grateful all of this makes me feel ALIVE. The past decade I've felt like a zombie. No, more like a machine. Everyday was the same routine. It wasn't effecting me that much during college, but surely during my jobs for Compaq Tech Support, Best Buy Home Delivery, and SWI Digital (most particularly at SWI Digital). Everyday was the same old routine. Nothing new, nothing different. The same old work, the same old bitchy customers, everyday the same boring work. Life felt empty. All I did at home was keep myself busy with my hobbies. I grew to hate the routine. I cried for change, and it was heard.

Besides all that, work is going okay. Curiously, things got a little better the past couple weeks. Or maybe that's because we're not talking much. There's only been a handful of misunderstandings. Even so, when they happen my mind is so numb from the boring work that I'm hardly effected anymore. At least, I remind myself that this job is better than my previous one. That helps a little.

■May 17, 2007 - Supervisor's being a bitch

[Mood:Pissy] What happened? All of a sudden my supervisor's been such a bitch the past couple weeks. Here's an example:

(E-mails her a PDF, an assignment that I had completed)

Supervisor: "A few things, 1. Where are the instructions and the area for signage at the bottom? 2. Instructions for the options that could be selected. 3. See attachement for details."

(The attachment has even more desired changes. I'm like WTF. She never told me she wanted the PDF like that in the first place! So I decided to tell her what happened along with an immediate mention that I'll do as she says.)

Me: "I was under the impression you wanted it like the other PDFs. I'll revert it back to the previous format and make those changes right now."

(So, end of story. I basically said "This is what happened, and now I'm going to do it right." No need for a reply. Or so I thought...)

Supervisor: "Did you read the email? Look at the PDF file...maybe that is more clear... I think it is fine the way it is...just make those minor adjustments on the attachment and it should be good."

(Okay, WTF. "Did you read the email?" No I don't read ANY of your e-mails -- of course I read the e-mail! What kind of way is that for a supervisor to reply? My attempt to tell her what's on my mind so she can better give me instruction backfired. She took it as further misunderstanding of her direction.)

It's her EGO. She wants the upper hand no matter what. Here's another example:

(The task was to convert an Excel document into a PDF. I just finished and e-mailed it.)

Me: "This PDF is complete."

Stephanie: "This form does not look very presentable. Could we spruce it up a bit? The yellow is very loud- could we tone it down or use another color? Are the big bold borders necessary? Could you please add the PBSJ logo?"

(Oh my GOD, woman! You said nothing about making it 'presentable'. I had no idea I had the freedom to alter its design. And do you look down on my abilities so much that you're interpreting an Excel document's default design as the best design I can do? So, I am confused. I want to save time, so for future reference I want to know when I have the freedom to alter a PDF's design to avoid this from happening again.)

Me: "Do I have the freedom to alter the design of any PDF you assign me to create? Or only on this form?"

Supervisor: "When can I have the form back?"

(WOW. She deliberately ignored my questions. That's so rude! That's like saying "You're still confused? I don't have time for this. Figure it out yourself and get it done already." Well fuck that shit. I want my questions answered so I know what to do next time.)

Me: "I'm almost done. In what cases can I alter the design? So I don't send you the original when you're expecting something better."

(Upon sending that e-mail she decided to come out of her cave of an office and verbally clear things up for me. Again, she didn't necessarily answer my questions, she just emphasized that she wanted it done. Then towards the end she said...)

Supervisor: (with a sarcastic smirk) "Can you do it? I hope." (followed by a chuckle)

(I hope? I hope!? What a terrible thing to say! Is that supposed to encourage me? That's like saying "I don't have a lot of confidence in your abilities, so I'm crossing my fingers and hoping you'll get the job done right.")

Okay, something crawled up her pussy and died. All of a sudden she's slapping me with her ego. She's not showing a lot of confidence in my abilities. Here's another example:

Another day she assigned me the task of converting a ton of thumbnail images to a smaller thumbnail size with all with a fixed width and height. Now, these thumbnails are in all sorts of different sizes. Many of them came out nasty when converted to the smaller fixed width/height. But the directions only mentioned resizing so that's what I did. After I submitted my resized thumbnails she replied saying how nasty many of them looked. I asked her if I had the freedom to crop them to make them look better. She emphasized to make them look nice. Then she said "Make it like it's for your website." --WTF! How insulting! That's like saying "You're not understanding what professional web design calls for. I'll put it in simple terms, in a way you'll understand: I want you to put forth the same energy you put into your personal website."

Do you see the reoccurring theme? The source of every problem is my supervisor not giving me proper instruction. She keeps on assuming I'll fill in the details myself. Then the problem gets worse when she throws in her ego by not answering all of my questions, giving me sarcastic comments and insulting examples.

The corporate environment is very standardized and specific. Everything follows a proper procedure. In this kind of environment I can't always figure out on my own such things as whether or not I have the freedom to alter the design of a project. There's also the fact that the simplicity of the work has my creativity shriveling into a prune. Thinking out of the box when you're in an unstimulating, unchallenging environment isn't easy to accomplish.

A big part of the problem is this e-mail thing this company likes to do. As I've said before, like 95% of the contact with my supervisor is via e-mail. As a supervisor she needs to put aside her ego and listen. As mentioned in my May 7th entry, I really think she has some sort of complex where she doesn't want me to surpass her in any way. I'm not trying to surpass her, though. Making myself look better than others doesn't interest me. I just don't like to waste time, and wasting time is what's been happening quite a bit lately.

■May 15, 2007 - Clarification of previous posts (Asking Why)

[Mood:In thought] I've received an array of comments from my previous entry on 'figuring people out' and for any other entries that might have made you think I've lost my marbles. I want to point out that I am an analytical person. It has always been in my nature to question and ask why. Both blog posts are about liking people. I assume it is common mentality for people to think "You either like someone or you don't." Ah, you see, I am not normal. I want to know why. I go beyond and gather and break down every known reason why I like someone and the process I went through to reach that conclusion. Why? Well, I am fascinated with many things. And one thing I'm fascinated with is better understanding myself.

Another thing is that my blog ramblings shouldn't taken so literally. Like in "Figuring people out", it's not like I keep that judgment process in my active memory. When I meet someone new I don't say to myself "GRRR I am judging how open your mind is right now! And then I will eat you!" It's just something I do automatically without thinking. It's something we all do as humans. Haven't you ever wondered what you look for when you meet someone new?

Better understanding ourselves offers many advantages. For one, I've never been confused with myself nor ever been emotionally lost. I question myself so much that I know exactly why I do things and the emotions behind every decision I make. The more I question myself the more I value and practice honesty. Not just honesty with other people, but also being honest with myself and having respect for myself.

My ultimate goal and the main reason why I do this is to be more creative. Understanding human nature is the key to increase creativity, because everything is connected. That is the design philosophy taught at my university and that which I've followed since my youth. For example, understanding why someone caused a social situation could help me draw a tree. Understanding why I fell in love with someone could help me animate a cartoon. Understanding the reasons why I consider one of my friends special could help me write a song. Everything is connected - anything that we could possibly think of is somehow connected to any other thing we could possibly think of.

■May 7, 2007 - Figuring people out

[Mood:Enlightened] Everyone has the ability to read others, and everyone says they're good at it. I disagree with people when they say they're really good at it. The question to ask someone is "How do you read others?". Throughout the years as we grow and gain experience, there are certain people-reading areas that we particularly focus our energy into sharpening and improving. For example, someone who was cheated on several times would put heavy focus into improving their ability to figure out the cheating tendency of others. What areas have you been focusing on?

Ever since I was little I've focused on deciphering two things: how open-minded someone is and how artistic they are. Ah, but why? Why indeed. First of all, it seems people have a different definition of "open-minded" so I want to point out which one I'm referring to. What I consider a close-minded person is someone who:

• Limits their perception of the world to their own. In other words, they don't like to put
   themselves in other peoples' shoes.

• Believes they are never wrong and refuses to accept the ideas of others.

• They're quick to judge, and in most cases their judgment is negative.

An open mind and artistic ability go hand in hand. Myself being artistic, ever since I was little I couldn't help but think different, defy the norm, and be weird. Naturally, someone as myself can only be happy associating with people with similar traits. I've been focusing on these areas for so long that in the first conversation I can detect how open someone's mind is and the degree of their creativity. Most importantly, in most cases people who are open-minded are good people. All my good friends are open-minded and beautiful. They accept me for who I am.

There is such a thing as having too much of an open mind. As the saying goes "It's good to keep an open mind, but don't keep it so open that your brain falls out." Very rarely do I come across people like that. When I think about it I can only recall one girl I've met from my university. She was the ditsy one who would have sexual conversations with her boyfriend over the phone loud enough for her whole family to hear.

Branding someone as artistic could imply many things. Just because someone doesn't draw doesn't mean they can't have an artistic mind. Even with no artistic motor skill whatsoever, someone can still have an artistic mind. Artistic people express their passion for art in three ways: observation, humor, and decisions. The shine of creativity is most evident and most common in humor.

So are there any close-minded people currently in my life? Yes, my supervisor. On a couple occasions I've revealed my weird side and she didn't find it very amusing. Even since the first day I started working we entered several topics of web design where she refused accept to my ideas. Since I've been working here she hasn't been very embracing of my ideas. The evidence suggests she has a complex where she doesn't want me to surpass her in any way. As if she always insists to be the one who's more knowledgeable about web design. She is not very specific and constantly assumes. Here is an example of why it's frustrating to deal with her sometimes; a text conversation:

Supervisor:"your timesheet"
(A long pause passes. Waiting for her to expand on that comment because it is rather vague, but she never does so I go ahead and start with the questions.)
Me: "What happened? Did I not sign it on Friday?"
Supervisor:"its not complete"
(Another long pause passes. Waiting for her to expand on that comment because it still doesn't explain anything, but she never does so I go ahead and start with the question.)
Me:"What am I missing?"
Supervisor: "its not signed"

■May 3, 2007 - Revelations

[Mood:Disappointed] The other day I decided to do something out of the ordinary. My job's homepage has recently been remodeled. I found many things wrong with it with its usability, compatibility, code and design. I typed up a long, detailed e-mail describing every fault I noticed. And with each fault I gave suggestions for improvement. I sent it to my supervisor and the other web designer who's in another state. My supervisor said she forwarded it to Marketing, and that she agrees with most of the things I pointed out. So... apparently someone else handles the public company website. We just maintain the intranet then. Yay. Anyway, the revelation I experienced with this sudden exert is that it made me realize how much my skills, knowledge and experience are being utterly wasted at this job. I no longer consider my job web design. I'm a fucking secretary. What I'm doing is basic graphic design work. The "web" work I do is something anyone with basic knowledge of MS Word can do.

Oh my god. There's this new guy sitting near me; another developer. We were talking the other day. He was telling me "Ah, so you're a web designer. You guys make okay money. Whas is it? $80-$100k? That's how much the web designers I've known make. The guy at my previous job even only knew HTML and CSS and he made that much." I'm like WHAT?! That's double and more of what I make!! Where?! How?! I told him that, then added I'm still in my first year. He replied "Ooh that would explain why." What the hell! I feel like screaming! I hate it that about the field of web design. It's -all- about years of experience. The more I experience, the more I see everything is weighed on experience. Hell, I've barely learned anything more or different than what I knew a year ago! Because for over a decade I've been on the internet and maintaining my site with all the major design software--I already have the experience of an experienced web designer, dammit! It's not fair.

There are a lot of BS jobs out there. I'm sure the majority of my competition has BS years of experience from working at a BS job. What do I mean by a "BS job"? A BS job is a job where you're at a standstill and barely learn anything meaningful. In other words, the job is a waste of experience. Both my web design jobs have generally been BS jobs.

No, I have learned something at my current job. I've learned that working for a company that maintains a single website SUCKS. The severe lack of variety and creativity is shriveling up my brain into a prune. This rules out my previous ambition to work for the government. As I've pointed out before, technically my existing job is like working for the government since their main client is the government. The benefits are wonderful. But what good are good benefits if I'm miserable and bored to the extreme.

In other news, the family of my social life is breaking apart. As mentioned in the April 12th entry, my good friends of Miami include Jody, Jason, Rick and Will. Jody and Jason were a couple and around two months ago they broke up. But the break up was shaky and on/off sour. They continued to periodically see each other for sex and drama. It was until recently that Jason's extreme distrust in Jody and his friends consumed him whole and he broke away completely; burned the bridge with all of us. Because Jason and I are good friends, he did not break away from me completely. He just cannot trust me the same way as he did before. This happened after he gave me an extreme traumatizing guilt trip that left me shaking and heart racing. When Jason gets emotional he turns into a really nasty person. He gave me the same hateful energy he was harboring for Jody. Something like this was bound to happen because I was in the middle throughout the two-month breakup. Anyway, my point is that Jason's out of the picture. A couple months ago Rick hooked up again with his ex, Tony. Ever since then I've barely gotten to see him; only three occasions so far. I miss him. Will is seriously considering to move to New York. He estimates he'll be leaving in a couple months. So these are the reasons why my cherished group of Miami friends are breaking up. It's depressing. At least nothing's up with Jody. We still hang out regularly, and for the time being there's nothing that'll change that.

Oh yeah, and Ovi. He's out of the picture. :\ He's been out of the picture. Nothing solid happened after my April 12th entry. For the weekends that followed we texted each other a little bit, inviting each other to certain events. He would send these invites too late. It was April 23rd that marked the end of our relations. I called just to say what's up. I intended to try to arrange an outing on Friday. He wasn't available (or didn't want to pick up) so I left a voice mail. Since then I haven't heard from him. So he gave me the infamous silent burning of the bridge. Man, this sucks. I really liked him; I've never been so into someone before. I suppose it was never meant to work out. He was into sports and heavy into clubbing, and I'm not.

■April 18, 2007 - Sensitive people

[Mood:Annoyed] I'm trying to learn how to deal with sensitive people. Lately I've been having a bit of trouble with them, for I have accidentally created drama on more than one occasion. It's not a matter of saying things that shouldn't be told, it's a matter of wording. The evidence suggests that sensitive people need the half truth and to hear things sugar coated. When the sensitive person is offended they do either one of two things: (1) vent way too much, or (2) escape and hardly vent at all. The sensitive person is tolerable to work with when they vent too much. Because they are communicating, in time they are bound to eventually see the light and get over it.

However, the sensitive person who escapes is the most damaging of all. Probably not so damaging to them self since escaping helps them feel better, but they cause damage to the people around them by not communicating. Leaving people in the dark is the worst thing someone can do in a situation. Humans are social creatures, after all. Why is it so bad to leave people in the dark? Because everyone, no matter how emotionally stable they are, are bound to think something negative when dealing with a situation with one or more people refusing to give their input. They have no idea what's going on in the head of that person so others are left to think "Did I do something wrong?", "Is he/she in trouble?", "Does he/she hate me?" - the most torturous human emotion is the feeling of not knowing.

Here is what I've learned about sensitive people based on specific situations:

• The sensitive person cannot handle serious personal problems being resolved faster than their emotions can embrace it. The speed at which the situation is resolved and that of their emotions embracing it must be in synch.

• When the sensitive person is in a relationship the demon of jealousy is always over their shoulder. They absolutely should not be told anything sexual that even hints about their partner potentially having sexual relations with someone else. Even so little as touching or sharing a drink will be taken as sexual relations to the sensitive person.

• The sensitive person thinks the world is against them, so they are quick to reach a negative conclusion. They must not be told anything that may sound negative. Even if it's something positive, the wording must be carefully chosen so that it won't be misinterpreted as something negative.

• The sensitive person who seeks revenge must be approached immediately. Every insecurity they express must be comforted. Only then will they get over it. And if the given situation was caused by a third person, the sensitive person can only get over it once that third person comforts all of their insecurities. If someone else besides the third person attempts to comfort the sensitive person, it is only a temporary band aide that ultimately will only cause the situation to get worse.

■April 12, 2007 - Work & social life roundup

[Mood:Mixed] I hate my job. In short, it is boring to the extreme. On Monday 4/2 I came close to having an anxiety attack from being overwhelmed with the state of my job. Here's a compare and contrast with my two web design jobs. For those of you tuning in now, I am a first year web designer who just freshly came out of college in Dec '05.

Web design for SWI Digital (Jun '06-Dec '06)
+ I loved the co-workers, they were awesome. It was fun working with them. The guys liked to mess around and such, and they went along with my jokes.
+ I felt challenged, for the most part.
+ When the good designer, Renee, was around I developed as a designer exceedingly and quickly. When Renee left, although very slow due to lack of stimulating sources, I still continued to develop as a designer.
- Very poor pay and poor benefits.
- Lots of BS. Too much BS, even. Firing people easily, trashing weeks of work, not caring about education, higher ups believing they're better at designing than the designers, easily deciding to give me 10k more when I wanted to leave, etc.

Web design for PBS&J (Jan '07-Current)
+ No BS. But this could also be considered a bad thing when considering that the negative points mentioned below don't allow any BS to spawn.
+ Pay is great for a first year web designer and there are -full- benefits.
- Extremely boring. The work is a joke. I doze off at my desk regularly. The work is so simplistic and lacking design that I feel like a secretary.
- Virtually no human interaction. I could be naked in my cubicle and no one would notice. I wish I could say I like or hate my co-workers, but I seldom ever interact with them to get a chance to make a judgment.
- No stimulation, development, or challenge. My design abilities are declining due to these factors. This is occurring because I am pretty much working all by myself. I don't have anyone to learn from. Also, my supervisor doesn't give me any critiques. She just picks the design she likes. And if she doesn't like anything, she gives me her famous contradicting line "Do you have any other options?" Of course I do, bitch!

This is my 4th month at this job. I need to be here until after June, then I can start at another job. Yes it won't look entirely too good on my resume to have been at two jobs the past year, but being at each job for over 6 months isn't terrible. One of my online friends brought up a good point. He said there's nothing wrong with leaving a job early and telling potential employers that the job was not challenging. In essence I would say my current job is worse than my previous job. My previous job at least kept me busy for the most part to bother thinking about how much it sucks. Let me stress again that here I feel more like a secretary rather than a web designer.

My weeks may suck, but my weekends are awesome. Every weekend I have a blast with my friends. As you can see in my album, I've been rather socially active lately. Here's my story:

If you've read previous entries you would know that the past decade fate has repeatedly screwed me over with my social life, leaving me with little or no friends. The severe lack of exposure left me anti-social and inexperienced. To make matters worse, being gay and all, I haven't even gotten a chance to pioneer much into the 'gay scene', which has my lack of experience putting me in a potentially dangerous position. This all changed in late Dec '06 when I got fed up with being lonely. Through the internet I found an awesome group of friends in Miami (I live above Miami in Fort Lauderdale, tis a 30-45 min drive). They're respectful, welcoming, caring, open-minded, understanding, fun people. If you're following the names in my album, these Miami people I'm referring to are Jody, Rick, Jason, and Will. Jody was the first I met and remains the one I'm closest to. He's the one who pulled me into the group. They've all shared with me their years of experience. They've taken me to all the gay areas in Miami and Fort Lauderdale. I've gotten full exposure to my fellow gay brethren. At the beginning it was difficult. At the first party I got overwhelmed and had to walk out. The first couple times I went into gay clubs I got overwhelmed and had to walk out. But with the help of my friends I was quick to overcome my social anxiety. It was so quick I shocked them. It seems evident that with my personality I was never meant to be anti-social and scared of people. I've become out-going and now I love to meet new people. Through the parties I've met lots of great people. My Myspace friends list grows with every event.

Jody is the oldest so his words of wisdom have been the most helpful. He has taught me all about gay culture. Lol, and he was the one who exposed me to alcohol. Yup, I'm a cheap date! His support and encouragement has been the pillar of my self improvement.

Jason helped me endure with the drawbacks of 'the game', or rather, the love game. The tricky part about being gay is that everyone could be attracted to each other. It makes things better and more difficult at the same time. His support has been the pillar of my emotional improvement.

Rick is artistic as I am. His help has proven to be the most valuable because it was something only a fellow artist can help me with. He was the key factor in showing me how to become sociable and express myself. His support has been the pillar of my social improvement.

Will, being the Prada queen that he is, has been most helpful with improving my image. He's shown me what's proper with behavior, and fashion. He's also the most realistic of the group so his advice is like a slap in the face, something we all need every now and then. He cuts through irrelevant details and gets to the point. His support has been the pillar of my physical improvement.

As great as they guys are, they're all in Miami! I can't drive down there everyday and my Miami friends aren't always available. It took me a while but I was finally able to find a group of cool people in Fort Lauderdale. I met them via Myspace. I believe it was in late February when I met them, about two months ago. This is a larger, closer knit group of friends. They're a tad nerdier and into sci-fi/comics/anime - just my kind of crowd! :) They're very out-going and have parties almost regularly. They're nice people and welcomed me into the group with open arms, as if I've already known them for years. If you've been following names in my album, the 'core' people of this group of friends consist of Mikey, Keith, Hektor, Carlie, Dan, Joshua, Lester, and Shannon. Mikey was the first one I met; he's the coordinator and main instigator of events. It was because of his open-minded, loving nature that I was pulled in so quickly. Already with these people I've had lots of great times. I'm very happy to have met them. But as great as they are, my Miami friends remain more important to me.

I've met someone very special. His name is Ovi; here's a photo (him left, me right). I met him off the street, lol. At a bar/restaurant right on the beach. So far he's making all the right moves and compatibility is looking good. The evidence suggests we're both looking for the same qualities. However I'm still getting to know him. I don't know yet if he's a whore (someone who sleeps around frequently) or if he's good at handling his emotions. And social coordination is a little shaky. In our 'first outing' we had some miscommunication that ended with him coming to an event I didn't go to. But it's just a few small bumps in the road; nothing's meant to be perfect. The other day he picked me up for a lunch date. It went great! He drove 13 miles to pick me up, wow. This outing was the first time I got to sit down and really get to know him. And man, I was nervous; I didn't have the comfort of alcohol to keep me calm like last time, lol. I think he was nervous too because I could've sworn I saw his hand shake. So we both have never done drugs or smoked anything. We both don't care for drama and try to resolve situations quickly. We're both passionate about our hobbies and strive for self improvement. He likes sports and exercising. The whole time I was captivated by how much of a beautiful person he is, both physically and mentally. I had the butterflies in my stomach and all. I was so attracted to him that it felt like I was seeing a celebrity, that I wasn't worthy and couldn't believe that I was actually there with him. I really hope this works out. I've had boyfriends before, but never have I felt so attracted to someone. Dare I say, like love at first sight. I've already told all my friends and parents about him. They're all rooting for me and hoping it works out. My parents especially approved. My mom got all excited "Finally you have someone to make you exercise!" They like it that he's also Cuban and knows Spanish. I don't know Spanish so they're hoping he can teach me.

So yeah, my work life sucks but my social life is going very well.

■March 24, 2007 - New photos!

[Mood:Festive] I've been rather socially active lately.

• Dan's Patrick's Day Party (3/17/07) - The drunken party hosted by my friend Dan.
• Hookah Party (3/16/07) - Another party at Jody's. It was labeled the "hookah party"
   since Rick brought over his new hookah.
• Asian Market (3/16/07) - Because it is the duty of anime fans to shop at Asian markets.
• Jam at MAM (3/15/07) - My second visit to the Miami Art Museum thingy. I only go there
   for the cheap drinks and to chill.
• Pridefest '07 (3/10/07) - Because I had nothing better to do. I've never been to one of
   these events before. I thought I'd give it a try.

I also have new Photoshop art, "Boredom".

■March 8, 2007 - Favorite quotes

[Mood:Enlightened] Do you have a favorite quote? Here are two of my favorite quotes.

"It doesn't have to be that way."
Just because something is a certain way doesn't automatically mean that's the truth. There's always a choice. To every left there's a right. To every up there's a down. There's also a middle and none of the above. This could apply to any social situation, any so called fact, any stereotype, anything you're often told - anything.

"There's no day like today."
If you allow it to be, everyday can be a day worth remembering. I believe this saying because I don't regret my decisions and I value mistakes and hardships as valuable experience. I appreciate the time friends and family give me. Heck, I bring my camera all the time I go out. I have goals and gain confidence as I further improve myself, both professionally and socially. In our lives we have so much to be happy for. Life is short, appreciate it.

■March 4, 2007 - Sexual harassment!

[Mood:Amused] The other day I took an online course on sexual harassment. It's something required by my new job. It was extremely cheesy. I captured various screen shots of interest from it and posted them as a new album in my photo gallery. Click here to view it. Included are my descriptions for each shot.

By the way, the other day I put up some new art. I added two new pieces to Photoshop art: Complications and By the Fire of Might. And one new video to After Effects vids: Rick Vs. Enrique.

■March 1, 2007 - Angry viruses

[Mood:Lousy] Being sick sucks. I used to be one of those people who are rarely ever sick. Hrm, I never wrote it down here. Way back in late December I got so sick I was hospitalized. What happened was I vomited and dehydrated my body. In the weakened state I had a severe panic attack that paralyzed my body and crippled it into the fetal position. For around 20 minutes I laid helpless and immobilized in my bed. If the episode lasted longer I could've suffocated myself. After a while the lower half of my body freed up and I was able to crawl for help and go to the hospital. The whole time I had a high fever. What sucks even more is that soon after that I switched jobs and insurances. With the weirdness I had to pay around $300 in hospital fees.

Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat that was so painful it hurt even to breath. Merely swallowing hurt so bad it almost gave me tears. I've never had a sore throat like this before. Nor have I even heard of a sore throat ever getting this bad. I mean, I woke up with this severe sore throat with what little sleep I had. Periodically during sleep I would swallow spit, which resulted in a sudden sharp pain that woke me up terrified, while choking on my spit. That happened around five times. Fun, eh? So yesterday I called in sick to work. At first I was like "Wohoo! I get to stay home today!" ...yeah, but the day sucked. I was at the doctor's for nearly two hours. I even arrived 10 minutes early and I was the first person there. Ah well, at least my doctor accepts walk-ins in the first place. Walgreens never called me to let me know my medicine was ready. I ended up picking it up in the afternoon, instead of in the morning as I intended. The sore throat's pain eased up some and I was able to sleep for a while. The tricky part about this sore throat is that the pain eases the longer I stay awake, then it worsens the longer I sleep. Towards the end of the day yesterday I was feeling much better, but this morning I woke up feeling almost as bad as the previous morning. To make matters worse, I learned my new job doesn't give out sick leave that easily. To cover yesterday's lost pay I had to use up my remaining PTO hours. I just barely had enough to cover the day. PTO is paid time off. I obtain 4.5 PTO hours for every biweekly paycheck. Well this is at least better than my previous job, where calling in sick meant no $$$. Dammit, now my PTO count is 0. I need at least 3 PTO hours for tomorrow morning because tonight I'm going to chill with my friends at a bar. Bah. And at the very least, with this illness I still had an appetite.

■February 27, 2007 - Silly women

[Mood:Amused] There is an old bitchy woman who sites near me at work. Er, or used to sit near me. Noises pisses her off so she got approval to move to a more secluded part of the office. This woman has issues. Every conversation you have with her has at least one negative comment against you or someone else. Almost every morning she makes a call to someone or some company and she bitches them out. I kept a log of various interesting quotes from her:

"Please don't hang up on me!"
"I'm not going to call you back - you're going to call ME back!"
"I WANT IT FIXED! YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME! I WANT IT FIXED!"
"NO! Your records are wrong!"
"Don't apologize - just DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"
"Don't apologize - just FIX IT!"
"Please don't transfer me to someone. PLEASE!"
"PLEASE pass the phone to someone who speaks English! This is America - you're supposed to speak English!"

And then there's a black lady who sits in the 'cubicle annex' right next to mine. She spends most of her day talking on the phone and I love it, because if it gets too quiet I lose my mind. Her personality is very black, and you'll see that in my logs of her various quotes:

"That woman lives right next to the Everglades! She has cheetahs and deers in her back yard."
"He's a good doctor - you see him on TV!"
"That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. THAT'S MARVELOUS!"
"He's a natural born trip!"
"If you want some ass go call yo momma!"
"If you ask me about that again I will SLAP you right on the ground!"
"You gettin on my nerve!"
"You campfeuds me."
"It's better than chicken and peanut butter."
"He can't find another woman like me. Who else is going to spend the money to get 'em out of jail?"
"My keyboard iz deseftiz! The C don't wurk!"
"Tell your husband the police are coming to pick him up."

■February 21, 2007 - Stories from the can

[Mood:Intrigued] Something terrible happened. My poop schedule shifted to during work hours! God dammit, it sucks! I hate doing #2 in a public bathroom! I hate it!! Argh!!! At least this is an office bathroom so it is quite clean. Since I am cursed to poop there on a daily basis, I have nothing better to do than to observe and study the office bathroom environment. Many interesting things occur and I hear all sorts of strange and unusual noises.

I learned that 2/3 of the guys who go to pee like to fart as they pee. Sometimes they can't hold it and fart as they enter and leave the bathroom. One guy likes to moan as he brushes his teeth. And today I heard a guy slap his Captain Winky four times quickly and loudly to ensure there was no drip. Hey, it takes a real man to squeeze to the last drop. Mr. Winky slapper, I salute you! In my previous job I learned that some guys who go to work dressed in suites and when they do #2 they like to strip and hang their clothes over the stall to ensure that they don't get wrinkled. Unusual, eh? It's more common than you may think. Wow, when I hear other guys do #2 they sure let it all out! I hear an explosion of noises. They pile drive that shit out of their ass with a continuous pulsating "PFTFTFTFTFTSST" It sounds like someone letting go of a tightly blown up balloon that happened to have some water in it. Ah, gotta love the bathroom habits of males. Lol sorry, I can't help taking this lightly. It takes a lot for me to get grossed out or bothered.

■February 16, 2007 - What a prick!

[Mood:Irritated] A random IM chat.

finalboss: OMG
finalboss: NEW BEST RPG EVER!
finalboss: CHRONO TRIGGER FINALLY TOPPED!
fantasyanime guy: huh wha? omg tell me
[30 minutes later]
fantasyanime guy: god damn you
fantasyanime guy: leave me hanging won't you
fantasyanime guy: i hate you
fantasyanime guy: you're like a cheap date
fantasyanime guy: i want my money back

■February 15, 2007 - Happiness is...

[Mood:Intrigued] I am still fascinated by how everyone has a different perspective on life. If I were to put a "Happpiness is..." label on the people in my life:

Father: "Happiness is family and keeping the harmony of the household."
Mother: "Happiness is giving."
Middle brother: "Happiness is being independent."
Elder brother: "Happiness is having time."
Aunt: "Happiness is being healthy."
Robert, best friend: "Happiness is knowing what's most important."
April: "Happiness is being loved."
Darren: "Happiness is being true to yourself."
Jody: "Happiness is keeping friends."
Jason: "Happiness is music."
Rick: "Happiness is overcoming problems."
William: "Happiness is appreciating others."
Melly: "Happiness is the freedom of expression."
Brian: "Happiness is doing what you want."
Zack: "Happiness is continuing to smile."
Spanky, family dog: "Happiness is unconditional love." (Yeah, pets can teach us things too.)

Tori Amos, fav singer: "Happiness is appreciating life in detail."
Stephanie, new supervisor: "Happiness is relying on yourself."
Sawanoguchi, character from Magic Users club: "Happiness is being honest with your feelings."
Gon, character from Hunter X Hunter: "Happiness is the persistence to stand up for what you believe in."

Lastly...
Me: "Happiness is everyday, myself, and everyone around me."
Me, four years ago: "Happiness is dedication to the things you love."
Me, seven years ago: "Happiness is the love for your friends."
Me, ten years ago: "Happiness is following your heart."

■February 14, 2007 - Valentine's Day woes

[Mood:Recovering] Screw Valentine's Day and its lies and treachery! I just got out of a deep crush because I had to get over it to move on, for my love interest denied me. Plus this person is within my group of friends so going any further would've complicated things. It got to the point that I was convinced this was the person. The one I'd want to spend the rest of my life with, a rather serious decision made with no regrets. To diminish the crush I had to throw away the wishful thinking I was holding onto and force myself to accept that I'll never be more than just a friend. That proved to be very effective. But the backlash pummeled my sex drive to a pulp. And if this person suddenly wanted to hook up I don't think I'd be able to. That's what happens when a deep crush is forcefully turned around. At the very least, I learned a lot from this experience. It taught me how to handle envy, jealously, and wishful thinking. Wishful thinking was the most difficult to overcome.

I hate the saying "Once you stop looking for love, all of a sudden it will find you! :) :)" If we're not supposed to be looking, then how will the other person find us? He/she would need to be looking. This claim is flawed! Well, it must mean that at the point when either person decides to look around, one or the other will find them. I suppose. Argh. Fucking hormones. I'd rather turn asexual and live as a hermit in Tibet.

■February 13, 2007 - Club dancing

[Mood:Impatient] I don't seem to have the desire to dance. I've tried but I just don't get into it. As I understand, people dance for all or one of these three reasons: (1) a height of music appreciation, (2) attention/ego, and (3) sex. Here's my take on them.

Height of music appreciation. I don't have enough evidence to support this statement, but I believe it's safe to say the average person appreciates music the most through dancing. For others it's through singing, playing an instrument, or ritualism. For me, it's through meditation. Yep, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I practice meditation. My height of music appreciation is using my music-derived excitement to stimulate my imagination and creativity during meditation. I've grown up appreciating music that way. Therefore, I don't have any desire to shake my ass in order to appreciate music.

Attention/ego. In other words, where the satisfaction from having fun comes from. Don't get me wrong, desiring attention and having an ego is important. But I don't crave attention with my friends by shaking my ass.

Sex. I'm not immediately a sexual person. In other words, I don't immediately get horny over a complete stranger. So dancing in a crowd of attractive people, perhaps even partially stripping, isn't enough to get me to dance. Depending on circumstances it may be enough to make me feel... differently. But not to dance.

Ah well, I might just be talking out of my ass and once I get used to it I might start dancing regardless. And if I do it'll only be for my friends because the whole club scene doesn't interest me. Duh, I'm a computer nerd, and with rather obscure interests to boot. You can't expect people like us to turn into those club types.

■February 12, 2007 - I hate work

[Mood:Bored] Ugh, I'm so tired of my new job already. I'm so tired of my career already, lol. Fuck, that's bad. Now my new job is indirectly forcing me to continue studying, and for petty stuff too. If I pass the courses and certifications I take, my job will fully reimburse all the payments. While all that sounds well and good, I barely have any money to fork over to schooling in the first place. Those official Adobe/Macromedia courses & certifications aren't cheap. Also, time is the most valuable thing to me. Knowing I'd have to spend time outside of work for something that'll just make a slightly better impression of me at work is bothersome.

Bah, I hate work. I wish I could just stay home and relax. I wish weekends were longer. Everyday I struggle waking up "Ugh, I'm so tired... I wish I could sleep in a couple more hours..." I have been good so far and have yet to actually do that, to call in sick or something just so I can sleep in. I still arrive to work bright and early. In my previous job that was appreciated. In this job it isn't since I seldom ever see my supervisor in the first place. Around 90% of our interaction is through e-mail. With this type of relationship I might as well work at home.

■February 5, 2007 - Career in web design

[Mood:Annoyed] It's been a little over 11 months so far since I've entered my career in web design. And what do I have to say about it? Web design is boooring! It's unstimulating and frying my creativity/imagination. Overall it is extremely repetitive work, seldom allowing any creativity of your own. Whatever creativity you can toss onto the table is filtered through strict rules and critique. However, web design jobs for major marketing companies that make those beautiful fantastic websites allow lots of freedom and creativity. But then you don't have a life from working crazy hours. A career in web design is a tradeoff. It either sucks or you don't have a life. Ditto with graphic design and video editing, they're no different. Heck, video editing (post production) is even worse, it's so repetitive and uncreative that I'd consider it a mechanical process.

■February 3, 2007 - New clothes!

[Mood:Enthralled] Last night was a trip. I have a rather outdated wardrobe. My friends Jason and Will took me shopping and I bought some fabulous clothes. They're like "Oh my god, you have an ass!" Lol. That's so awesome of them to help me with this. Then Brian took some pictures of me in them. I put them in my album if you want to see.

Lately I've been feeling considerably grateful and appreciative for my friends. Jody, Jason, Rick, and Will... they've all been patient and supportive, especially with the situations I've been encountering. They've all shown me the warmth of their heart. They are beautiful in every way and with all of my heart I wish happiness for them. Currently I am in the process of adjusting to the life I should've had if I had an active social life earlier this decade. Fate has a tendency to take my friends away from me, leaving me all alone. I really hope fate doesn't do it again.

■January 16, 2007 - Hired!

[Mood:Appreciative] Do you believe in miracles? I experienced the truth. I have been graced by the spirit of opportunity, for I have been hired by PBS&J. I won't say exactly what I'm making, but it's $10k more than my previous salary. That means I'm making around the medium average salary for a web designer. That's pretty good for someone like me who doesn't even have a full first year of experience yet. Heh. =P

Well so far this job is going okay. At first it sucked. I was just doing boring site updates. Practically everyone there is old. The person who sits next to me is Abby, an old rude woman. She told me off when I tried to have a little chat with her. She said she's not into small talk, she has work to do. It's so quiet that I feel like I'm being punished to sit in the corner all day. It's like I'm in a library. I'm so pissed that I can't check my webmail, Hotmail, MySpace or YouTube. I can still check my site and my board. This guy who sites near me is cool. He likes to TALK. At first I was a little annoyed by it, but now I'm viewing it as a Godsend. But I got over these drawbacks. Work is work.

Friday (1/5) was my last day at SWI. I left with style. I did something unusual that people don't do when they leave - I gave everyone parting gifts. :) Hey, why not? The people there were awesome. I felt the need to do something nice for them before I left. First of all, I came in my suite. I gave my department an assortment of snacks, soda, and Tylenol. I gave customer service (which is full of girls) Tylenol and healthy microwave popcorn. I gave all the girls flowers (except in Sales since that department is huge). What surprised me is that customer service went wild when I walked in to give them the flowers. They got up and screamed. They said with my suite and the flowers I looked like a prom date. So yeah, it was a nice day. I left early so I could have a longer weekend.

.:.
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